I remember the day I found I was pregnant with you like it was yesterday. Motherhood was not something I had wanted for my life, but motherhood chose me when I found out I was pregnant with your brother. By the time I found out I was pregnant with you, I had embraced being a mother with my whole heart.
I remember the day I found out I was pregnant with a girl. I was scared. Having a strained relationship with my own mother growing up, I believed that I wouldn’t know how to raise a girl. I spent most of my adolescence stuck in a cycle of deep loathe of myself. Reflecting on the years of insecurities and lack of self-esteem; I wondered what I needed growing up, so I could be that and save you from these feelings.
My goal was to raise your self-esteem so high that perhaps your teenage years would only put minor scratches on your tower of self-love. I would tell you I love you as often as I could and hug you more. I would tell you how truly beautiful you are and remind you of all the things that you are good at. I would let you know how proud of you I am. I would encourage your creativity. I would block all the bad that’s in the world and protect you from all the unkindness.
I love being your mom. I love that we have fun together. I love your deep, beyond-your-years wisdom, I love your laugh, I love watching you be such a kind friend to anyone who needs one, I love your creativity, and you are my favorite singer. I feel truly blessed that I was chosen to be your mother. You have taught me far more than I think I can ever teach you.
It’s not always been easy, this mom gig. I’ve watched you get hurt and feel helpless that I couldn’t protect you. I’ve watched you doubt yourself and feel frustration that I can’t make you see how capable you are. I’ve watched you go from being the most confident 9-year-old in the room to voicing your insecurities and my heart breaks. How can you not see how truly amazing you are?!
My dear, sweet, daughter, I will never stop being your mom. I know there is no way for me to truly protect you from the world, but it doesn’t mean that I will stop trying. I will always love you for you. Period. I will love you even when you don’t know who you are. I will love you when you can’t love yourself. I will love you when you are filled with self-doubt and will cheer you on until you find your way through it, and louder when you see your worth! I will always be your biggest fan while you explore your creativity and will be there with a giant foam finger as the president and mascot of your fan club.
I will always encourage you to explore your creativity. I will always challenge you to think outside the box. I will always encourage you to be your authentic self. I will also not be afraid to tell you when I feel that you are not being your authentic self. I will not be afraid to tell you no, especially when I know that the choices you are making are damaging to the person you are and your overall well-being. I may stand there and shake my head when you do it anyway, but I’m still going to love you. I know there will be times when you feel like you hate me for this and I am ok with that. I will still tell you no because my love for you runs deeper than the hurt I feel when you shut me out. I will continue to wrap my arms around you and love you, especially when you don’t want me there.
I realize that I will never be able to protect you from all the bad things. I realize that no matter how much I love you or how much I tell you how amazing you really are, ultimately it is your choice to see yourself that way. I know that you’re not always going to listen to me, just know that I am not going anywhere.
I love you to the moon and back.