You’re Not Fun

“You’re not fun..” you yell. It penetrates too deep. Too tired to even fight the words. I’m not fun. I’m really not. Not right now.

You see, less than a week ago, I got the diagnosis that I have been dreading, “You’re having a significant Lupus flareup…” I almost went in to shock. I mean, I kind of knew but I kind of was in denial. It’s been over 3 years since my last one. I really felt disease free. Perhaps I took it for granted. Perhaps I didn’t pay enough attention to the monster that lay patiently inside me.

So there it is. To say I don’t feel well is beyond correct. To say that I didn’t lie in bed for almost 2 fell days with a tear-stained face trying to give myself reassurance, would be a lie. I was alone. The only 2 people that I would want by me in other countries. One of those people, I don’t think he even knows what Lupus is or maybe he doesn’t care. I haven’t decided yet.

I haven’t felt like myself for weeks, maybe longer. Frustrated with my body. The thing is, I really am fun! Despite dealing with children who are in a constant state of bickering and the arguing…oy vey! The arguing! Everything becomes an argument. Thats my full-time job. Pretty much the only time I don’t have to deal with the arguing is when they are at school or asleep. I do a good portion of the refereeing on my own. It’s like Chinese water torture…drip, drip, drip….until I can’t handle it anymore. The goal every day is to see if I can maintain patience the entire day.

But, yes, I really am fun! Just not right now. Not in the midst of discovering that I haven’t successfully evaded Lupus. I don’t think it’s fair. I am angry. I try harder than most to be healthy and yet, I have no choice. I don’t get to have control over my body. It just decides when to be sick, despite the inconvenience of it all. I get to wake up in the morning, swollen from meds, sore, and feeling far from amazing. I am depressed. No one understands. No one. So please, tell me how I am not fun as I sit here, already feeling completely unlike myself. It just feeds right in to my feelings of inadequacy.

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