“You’re not fun..” you yell. It penetrates too deep. Too tired to even fight the words. I’m not fun. I’m really not. Not right now.
You see, less than a week ago, I got the diagnosis that I have been dreading, “You’re having a significant Lupus flareup…” I almost went in to shock. I mean, I kind of knew but I kind of was in denial. It’s been over 3 years since my last one. I really felt disease free. Perhaps I took it for granted. Perhaps I didn’t pay enough attention to the monster that lay patiently inside me.
So there it is. To say I don’t feel well is beyond correct. To say that I didn’t lie in bed for almost 2 fell days with a tear-stained face trying to give myself reassurance, would be a lie. I was alone. The only 2 people that I would want by me in other countries. One of those people, I don’t think he even knows what Lupus is or maybe he doesn’t care. I haven’t decided yet.
I haven’t felt like myself for weeks, maybe longer. Frustrated with my body. The thing is, I really am fun! Despite dealing with children who are in a constant state of bickering and the arguing…oy vey! The arguing! Everything becomes an argument. Thats my full-time job. Pretty much the only time I don’t have to deal with the arguing is when they are at school or asleep. I do a good portion of the refereeing on my own. It’s like Chinese water torture…drip, drip, drip….until I can’t handle it anymore. The goal every day is to see if I can maintain patience the entire day.
But, yes, I really am fun! Just not right now. Not in the midst of discovering that I haven’t successfully evaded Lupus. I don’t think it’s fair. I am angry. I try harder than most to be healthy and yet, I have no choice. I don’t get to have control over my body. It just decides when to be sick, despite the inconvenience of it all. I get to wake up in the morning, swollen from meds, sore, and feeling far from amazing. I am depressed. No one understands. No one. So please, tell me how I am not fun as I sit here, already feeling completely unlike myself. It just feeds right in to my feelings of inadequacy.